My Relapse, My Struggle to get help

So it's been awhile...In my last post towards the end of May, I was discussing how much I was struggling due to certain events and the lockdown, unfortunately about 2 weeks after that post things went from bad to worse and I had a complete breakdown of my OCD, the strength of the thoughts just became to much and the ability to function without my OCD convincing me something really bad will happen to me next year if I do not follow its rules had become almost impossible, here's how my OCD was controlling me at the time.

I can't play my Computer Games: This all started on the night I finally had a huge breakdown, I was going to attempt to play on my PS4, went to switch it on, nothing, refused to turn on, my OCD goes into over drive, the Intrusive Thoughts crashing into my Brain are

"This is a sign you shouldn't be playing your PS4 right now, something REALLY bad will happen to you next year if you ignore this warning"

The Anxiety builds up inside me only convincing me that this warning is likely to be true, or why would my body give me physical symptoms?? along with a level of anger and frustration that my OCD is getting one over me

I'm unable to go and see my friends: In fact I've been unable to have a proper meeting in person with my friends for nearly 4 months now, it took me up until a month ago to open up to them finally about my OCD, or I just look like I am being very boring and ignorant, a issue many Mental Health sufferers have, the balance between the fear of opening up, but looking like you're just very anti-social if you don't open up.

But how do you open up to your fellow friends and say

"I suffer from Magical Thinking OCD, right now it is likely I will be unable to eat or play video games with you because of the fear something bad will happen to me next year if i do"

The idea of saying that out loud to someone who doesn't suffer or understand Mental Health is scary, the fear of being judged by those closest to you, maybe I underestimate my Friends and they will be very understanding? But it's the what if alternative that ruins it.

I am unable to eat most of the time: Now this is the worst one, as it affects me not just Mentally but Physically as well. Now this is purely Magical Thinking like all my other thoughts, it's nothing to do with the fear of food poisoning or anything like that.

There's nothing more depressing and frustrating than being Hangry, your body is begging for food and drink but your OCD simply won't let you, and you don't feel strong enough to fight back and tell it "Of course nothing bad's going to happen to me next year just because I eat now"

This also applies to drinking sometimes to so it has put me in a every dangerous position, with symptoms such as feeling very weak, dizzy spells and heart palpitations. I have lost 2 stone in weight since May and i now weigh 7 Stone 5lbs, giving BMI of 15.2.

On top of these issues i am suffering from poor hygiene and general neglect of my self care, having a shower, brushing my teeth all triggering my OCD that makes these tasks often to unbearable and mentally exhausting

So i need help, but unfortunately with the NHS that has simply not been happening, as with the time before as you can see from a previous post in 2018 and the time before that but i will save that for another blog post