Anxiety Attack over Dinner

So as i right this, currently in the midst of a mild Anxiety attack after having my dinner, for me a Anxiety Attack consists of

• heavy or fast breathing

• hot flushes or blushing,

• shaking,

• fast heartbeat,

• nausea

• sense of impending doom/dread

• stomach aches

• Periods of Deep Depression maybe Suicidal thoughts

So why did it come to this? what is the thought processes between me and my OCD that lead up to this?

6pm:

OCD Voice: Have a drink in the car while you're driving home

Me: But you said i couldn't earlier?

OCD Voice: Well you're in the car so you should, if you don't something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: Are you sure? *Goes to open a drink, then have a feeling of self doubt if i should*

OCD Voice: Don't doubt it, it's got to be that drink or else something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: Are you sure? *Drinks it*

OCD Voice: Yes i'm sure

OCD Voice: Thinking about it, maybe you should have one more while you're driving

Me: *Grabs one more drink and drink's it*

OCD Voice: Now have a chocolate bar

Me: But i thought i couldn't eat anything today?

OCD Voice: Well you're in the car so you can, if you don't something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: *Gets a feeling of self doubt and feeling anxious like something bad will happen, so i grab a bar and eat it, suddenly feel my stomach drop and slight Anxiety*

Are you sure? really not sure if i should of?

OCD Voice: Yes you should of, i know i was insistent earlier not to eat today, but ignore that for now

6:10pm

I arrive home, still doubting if i did the right thing, so i begin so called Neutralising Rituals, tapping my car in a certain way until it feels right, tapping my feet against the wall.

I get into the house, dinner is in the oven made by my Mum, i get it out of the oven, making sure it feels right in my hands or i'll have to put the plate down and pick it back up again, i glance at the clock on the oven which says 6:11pm

OCD Voice: Leave the Oven door open until it's 6:12pm on the clock, or something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: I stand there and wait until the clock changes, then close the Oven Door

6:15pm

I go to my room with my dinner, sit on my bed

OCD Voice: Well you can't eat any of it so just sit there for a while, browse your phone etc

Me: I'm really not sure if i should of had that chocolate bar in the car on the way home?? *Feeling Anxious and doubting myself*

OCD Voice: Trust me it's fine, you did the right thing

Me: *Still anxious, still doubting if i made the right decision*

OCD Voice: Maybe you're right, perhaps you should eat a tiny bit of your dinner, that'll make up for it just in case, but eat that bit of your dinner right there no where else, or something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: *Has the small part of my dinner mentioned, then i suddenly feel bit more Anxious, Breathing getting shallow, Blushing in the face, getting hot, sense of impending Doom*

I'm REALLY not sure if i should of done that, shit what if that was the wrong thing to do? Something horrible will happen to me next year now

OCD Voice: Ok better have the rest of that part of your dinner now, or something really bad will happen to you next year

Me: But i thought i am not suppose to be eating today? Now you want me to?

OCD Voice: Yes!!!!

OCD Voice: Or maybe not

OCD Voice: Actually yes!!!!

Me: Fuck sake yes or no? *Feeling very anxious and nausea by now, heavy breathing, hot, scared, that feeling you want to cry

OCD Voice: Yes but only that part of your dinner, leave the rest

Me: Has the part of my dinner mentioned, Anxious and feeling of doubt as i do, still not sure if this is the right decision, i take the first mouth full, eating it all as quickly as i can, as i suddenly finish my Anxiety shoots through the roof

• heavy or fast breathing

• hot flushes or blushing,

• shaking,

• fast heartbeat,

• nausea

• sense of impending doom/dread

• stomach aches

• Periods of Deep Depression

Me: SHIT!!!!!!!!! I really don't know if i should of :-( earlier you said i couldn't eat, so what if really i shouldn't of ate, despite what you said just now, something really bad will happen to me next year maybe now? :-(

OCD Voice: You did the right thing

OCD Voice: Thinking about it, Perhaps i will make you not eat or drink tomorrow just in case to make up for it, i'm not to sure yet

OCD Voice: Time to do lots of tapping rituals i will think of something, just in case to make up for it

NOW at 7:19pm as the Anxiety slowly begins to settle after a hour at it's peak, i still have a feeling of self doubt if i did the right thing, i get waves of Depression and sense of impending dread, VERY tired and drowsy now to, it really takes it out of you, the temptation to make myself vomit to get rid of the food i maybe shouldn't of eaten, but my OCD did say it was ok?

What will Tomorrow bring? i maybe forced to starve to make up for today, i can't distract myself much as my OCD has control over when i can play computer games or go out with friends, plus i've had enough Anxiety for one day, fearing the consequences if i don't do as my OCD says