A 24 Hour Diary

What's a typical day like for someone with severe OCD? I decided to do a personal 1 day diary of every single ritual i done today, time it happened, my thought process etc, simple but gives you a idea of how mentally and physically tiring OCD can be

Intrusive Thoughts: Something bad will happen to me next year if i don't complete these rituals

12pm: Today i must put on, then take off my clothes 3 times, if at any point i touch my clothes in a certain way and it doesn't "Feel right" i have to touch my clothes in another way until it does feel right, this ritual takes about 5 minutes to complete

12:10pm: There is a parcel i need to wrap for a item i sold, The way and position i am placing the parcel tape needs to feel right, there's a debate between me and my OCD about where to place 2 pieces of tape on, where i wanted to place them gives off the Intrusive Thought of "NO, Something really bad will happen to you next year if you put it there"

so i move the tape to another spot until it feels right, which is about 3 times

12:15pm: Second parcel to wrap, i feel like i have to wrap it in a certain room, my OCD telling me it has to be outside my bedroom, after cutting the wrapping paper to size suddenly "NO, Something really bad will happen to you next year if you wrap it up now, maybe leave it for your Mum to do?" i make a brief attempt to carry on but the Intrusive thought repeats itself on top of a feeling of Anxiety and Fear building up inside of me, so i stop and do as my OCD suggests

12:30pm: I really need a shave i am thinking, this triggers the OCD Intrusive Thought "NO, Something really bad will happen to you next year if you shave today" so as much as i want, and need to shave i really just can't right now

12:45pm: I really need a drink, that desire for the feeling of a drink in your mouth as i have a dry mouth, i'm thinking of what drink i would love to have right now, as a mentally choose each one in my mind the Intrusive thought steps in "NO, Something really bad will happen to you next year if you have one of those, you could have a glass of water? I will accept that"

So i get a glass of water, making sure when i touch the tap it feels right before i pour any water, as i drink i'm mentally counting each gulp i have, on the 6th Gulp it suddenly doesn't feel right a brief wave of anxiety and i begin to doubt if i should of had a drink at all? Intrusive Thoughts step in

"Take 4 more gulps making 10 overall, no more or no less or something really bad will happen to you next year" So i take 4 more gulps and tip the rest of the drink down the sink"

12:55pm: I look in the mirror and realise how rough i look, unshaven, dry skin from not being able to shower properly, i need to put some moisturiser on, i get the cream but i can only place it where my OCD says it's acceptable to rather than everywhere i really need to

1pm: Still thinking looking in the mirror about the places i didn't put my cream where i needed to, my OCD suddenly decides afterall i can place it in the other places i need to, but before i do, i decide to try and sort out our Security Camera, which i have put off for couple of days due to OCD

As i am stood by the window, holding the camera ready to try set it up, it suddenly doesn't feel right, my OCD is telling me i should leave it, i can feel the Anxiety and fear building up inside of me so i do leave it and go to place my cream on

So it's now the following day, and i stopped here as you can see, openly writing about your OCD can very often trigger more OCD thoughts, which is partly what makes opening up about certain Mental Illnesses so challenging. Plus i was bursting for a proper meal and fluids last night, i wanted a drink so much it gets to the point where i make so called "Negotiating" rituals with my OCD where in this case Intrusive Thoughts will give me a long list of different rituals i should do and in return i can drink whatever else i want the next day, but everything else is limited to my OCD's control.

The Rituals often vary a lot but most commonly are, Tapping my feet on the floor a certain number of times, Touching things in a certain way until it feels right, avoiding other things i enjoy the day/night before, going to bed at a very specific time, getting in and out of bed and walking round the room a certain number of times, the list can be endless.

The problem now is, the tasks i am required to complete are often never ending, get one wrong, that's it, don't get what you want the next day, sometimes your OCD might give you a bit of leeway but not very often. In this case despite doing roughly 50 rituals that night.....I woke up very early in the morning about 7am, unable to get back to sleep and the Intrusive thoughts racing around in my mind, there are now new rituals to do if i want to drink in a few hours time.....Doubt creeps in if i have done all these rituals correct, One minute my Intrusive Thoughts say it's all good, next minute it's not ok so i can't drink today, then it's ok, then it's not ok, This can change from 1 to the other up to 5 or 10 times in a hour.

I get up at 11am today to take my Mum shopping and the thoughts are still going round and round and round in my mind, More rituals while shopping, avoiding buying certain foods, touching other foods in a certain way till it feels right, repeating footsteps up and down isles till it feels right.

So now i am finally able to drink........But when i do i get that nagging and uncertain feeling in my stomach, like you do when you done something you feel might get you in to trouble?

"So maybe because of all the Rituals and doubt from my OCD i shouldn't of drunk after all? Maybe i should be eating"

Intrusive Thoughts "Yes i think you should eat instead"

"Actually no drink"

"Actually eat"

"Actually drink"

We're stuck on drinking now, but i know i will continue to give in to the urge to do Intrusive Thoughts through out the day because what about eating or drinking tomorrow?

And that's partly my OCD over 24 hours, not counting the rituals i missed out, it's only 1:30PM the next day