Lockdown Struggles

So here in the UK, we have now been in Lockdown since the 25th of March, so I thought I would right a post on how much I've been struggling and why

At the start of the Lockdown I wasn't to bothered about it, It was frustrating that I couldn't go to the gym as I finally had a focus that me and my OCD could agree with and I felt I could do some exercise at home at first.

'Yes I know I shouldn't negotiate with my OCD but that's a whole different issue all together for me right now'

Also, thankfully and perhaps bizarrely to some, I do not have any OCD fears about catching Corona Virus myself, naturally i have fears of passing it onto others and therefore take the usual sensible precautions, but nothing that would constitute some OCD behaviours.

So i felt i would have enough to do at home to keep me going, but as is the case with OCD as many sufferers will know, it manages to find away to creep in.

Exercising at home with the use of a Home Gym or something similar was a idea but right now a no go, due to a Magical thinking connection I have between using a Home Gym and when I had a really bad stomach bug 18 years ago, had a really big Emetophobia problem back then so it was very traumatic for me, plus it was around the time my OCD was starting due to my Brother dying, so there was the connection between me "not doing as I'm told" and bad thing's happening.

18 years ago!!!! you're thinking? Yes that's how a OCD thought can really cement itself sometimes with many sufferers, so keeping up my progress at the Gym was slowly starting to dwindle, I would do what I could such as some exercise with my weighted vest and going for walks 'Once a day naturally' but I could feel myself losing the gains I had wanted so much and that was really frustrating for me, I'm most likely back to square one with my fitness now.

Then around 2 weeks into Lockdown, My Parrot, Snowey passed away after a long term illness, I felt he was starting to make progress so for this to suddenly happen one day was very upsetting for me and my Parents, the right thing to do was to have him put to sleep, I was proud of myself for handling the situation so well, 'Funny enough OCD sufferers are usually good at making such decisions when it fits with reality'

With regards to my OCD and Snowey passing away, It was ok at first, but combined with OCD's way of creeping in, plus the fact i had more time to THINK due to the lock down, i was finding myself losing, the dialogue with my OCD goes like this

Me "Did Snowey die because did some home exercises?"

The logical side to me of course says "No, he had a long term illness"

OCD "But maybe he was getting better and you doing the home exercises, which I'm not much of a fan of caused him to relapse and die"

OCD "Play it safe and DON'T do anymore home exercises, or else it will happen again"

So, that was pretty much all exercise gone, until i could go back to the gym, once OCD gets you with one thing, it'll enjoy the control and start getting to you with other things.

Slowly it was then beginning to target other things I enjoy, such as playing computer games, helping my Dad on his allotment, eating foods i want to eat etc as my OCD does and it'll find creative ways to do it if need's be, for example my OCD has now decided if I dream of a certain person, I CAN'T eat at all the next day only drink otherwise something REALLY bad will happen to me next year, of course you can't control what you dream about so this scenario has happened a handful of times in the last 2 months, So I am now losing weight as well as Fitness, Breeding ground for OCD

Of course usually doing something you enjoy is seen as the perfect distraction to keep your OCD or any other negative thoughts at bay, this is where it's a big issue for me, Once my OCD has control of one thing I enjoy, it gets stronger, I have less enjoyable things to distract myself with and the pattern continues.

I've not been able to play on my PS4 for a week now due to my OCD, I slowly have managed to get back into it but only through negotiation with my OCD, even then there's a creeping doubt if I made the right decision or not which spikes your OCD rituals, along with some unpleasant Anxiety symptoms, Thank goodness I got my Xbox which my OCD is fine with as I don't enjoy that as much as my PS4 as i have more friends on the latter 'Sorry Microsoft'

So now i'm stuck with another pattern of fearing something bad will happen next year, i could do ERP to potentially tackle this, but that is proving far to difficult to me, why is something i will leave for another post.

Keep fighting :-) I know how horrible this time must be for many Mental Health sufferers, especially those with Health Anxiety and OCD around Contamination or Germs but I am always on my Twitter for a chat should anyone want it :-) Plus, OCDACTION, OCDUK, MIND and many other charities are still available