Aftermath of my Nightmare month

The start of 2016 has not been a good one, just as I thought I was getting back on track with my OCD and things had started to look up, but as you may of seen in my previous blog the sudden news of my father failing unwell has set me back to where I was several months ago.

At the end of March my Dad had a very minor stroke, most likely a complication of his heart bypass at the start of the year and thankfully with no permanent damage. However, that is not how my OCD sees it.

To me this was all because of me trying to resist my OCD again as i recall a few key moments before this where i have been resisting my OCD, such as doing the things i want to do when i want more often despite my OCD trying to urge me otherwise.

So just before Dad fell ill I had my OCD under control and I had the strength to resist what my OCD was telling me, now sadly I seem to be more aware of what my OCD is telling me and resisting those urges feels too difficult again.

Sadly as i have mentioned in previous blogs my OCD avoidance rituals right now mainly revolve around things i enjoy....Strange uh? for example

Me: "I want to go to the gym today"

OCD: "No not today, if you ignore me and still go to the gym something really bad will happen to you or someone close to you"

Me: " I would love a piece of that cake my mum bought the other day "

OCD: " No not tonight, if you ignore me and still have some, something really bad will happen to you or someone close to you"

Me: " Fancy playing a golf game later tonight on my Xbox"

OCD: "No play another game instead? if you play that game something bad will happen to someone close to you, or to you"

These thoughts fluctuate some days i will be allowed by my OCD to do some of these activities, but the worse my OCD is, the more it will encourage me not to do my favourite activity's due to the risk of bad things happening.

The Gym and Food are a massive nightmare, especially when i am trying to bulk up and overcome five years of anorexia which was caused by my OCD constantly making me avoid eating food because bad things will happen if i do.

I need to bulk up and eat more food and feel confident in my own skin if I am to get better. I hate the way my OCD is very insistent that I should not do these things and stops me from getting better.

Food actually was a key OCD battle just recently, i was out with my friend shopping and he really wanted to go to Mcdonalds and to be fair so did i.

OCD was having none of that though

"Go to Mcdonalds and something really awful will happen to you or someone close maybe your dad again?"

My friend has no idea about my OCD so i cover this up by making out i would rather go to Pizza Hut, I am not a Pizza Hut fan sorry so this really wasn't much of a option for me.

My friend won the battle however and the "normal" me is far to nice to say no most of the time, so now begins the negotiation in my head with my OCD.

ME "Look we really have to go to Mcdonalds can we agree on something?"

OCD "You can go to Mcdonalds BUT you can't have exactly what you want, and you can't do something you really want to later"

So i don't get what i want, but i can have something?

So now begins the long decision making process in my head, sat at the drive through, reading the menu, deciding what i can have as a second option since my preferred choice is not allowed, not a easy task in the drive through when you feel pressured by the people behind waiting so sometimes i feel rushed into a decision, which can make me and my OCD doubt my decisions more.

So we ended up in McDonalds even though it was not I wanted, my friend was none the wiser about what was going on in my head and my OCD had won again. While these last few months have felt like going backwards, I know that when things are calmer and with help from my CBT therapist who i had not needed to see for a year until now, I can start going forwards again - I just need to take my time and look after myself.