When my OCD hurts others

So this is a mix of a apology and to help make other sufferers aware of when OCD, atleast in my case can hurt others.....

Sadly OCD can effect loved ones and not just the sufferer, this is one thing that can make OCD alot harder seeing it have a effect on people you care about, it can make you embarassed and ashamed but at the same time feel selfish.

So how does all that make me say this post is partly a apology? Well thats because tonight, as i right this my OCD as effected someone i care about alot and here is why.

Every sufferer will know that OCD causes a massive lack of self confidence, OCD is for freaks and weirdos right?? or so we can be made to feel

"What if my OCD shows in public?"

"Nobody is going to want me when they see the sort of weird rituals i feel the need to do and why i think i have to"

So how do some people usually escape from lack of confidence? Escapism and sadly in my case one of the easiest forms of escape is the Internet, and pretending to be someone else.

For me? well it means i can be this sexy, funny, confident guy who does not have OCD, or depression or issues about who he is and the way he looks he is very popular with the ladies etc. My therapist is very aware of all this, infact she was the first person i opened upto about it, the sense of releif i got from telling her was amazing not judgmental or thinking i am a weirdo just there to try and help me through it along with all the other issues OCD brings.

The only other people who know are people who have caught me.....Now this is what goes through my mind with some lovely help from my OCD

1: "My OCD makes me feel the need to do this?" Who the fuck is going to believe that before i have even started?

2: "Mark you are just looking for sympathy now i wouldn't bother even trying to explain it"

3: "Mark you are arguing with your own head, you do realise what a freak you sound like right?"

4: "I could stop this by not doing it anymore?"

5: "If you do stop Mark something really bad will happen to you or a loved one"

6: "Mark you are a very bad person you better do such and such ritual or something really bad will happen to you"

So, yes, alot of things go through my mind

I have tried Option 1 and got what i feared, I have done Option 2 many times and just let them think i am a freak anyway, and i ALWAYS end up doing options 3, 5 and 6, and i try so hard to do Option 4, sometimes i can, sometimes i fail and sadly i fail more often.

So why am i blurting all this out? well because this time i have been caught out by someone i really do care about and like :-( i wont name her here for privacy reasons, but she knows who she is as i have given out my blog to her for the first time and asked, then hoped she reads this.

Leanne, i am so sorry from the bottom of my heart for what i have done, you may never trust me again, you may still feel the need to call me a freak after reading this, you may laugh at me and show your friends i dont know, but i am prepared to take that risk if it means FINALLY being open and honest with you about the problems i have and i promise never to do this to you again EVER

As for OCD sufferers with similar issues to mine, please dont make this mistake beat the bully and get help easier said than done i know right?

As for anyone else no i am not a freak, to me the internet can feel like a form of escape and feels like it is not the real world, alot like some people use Porn as a escape from the real world, or alcohol, sadly all find away of hurting people around us, this is why i do not do this to family or my fellow sufferers on Twitter, because they know me for who i am so i know i do not need to lie but of course we do not intend to hurt others but sometimes it is best to risk being honest and be labeled a freak, than lie about it and still be called a freak anyway and have no chance of getting help or making friends who understand.

Leanne i am sorry X